BONUS NUMBER 44: Have Yourself a MAGA Little Christmas
(Did You Sleep With the Models?)
LETTERS OF THANKS TO MR. TRUMP FOR HIS HOLIDAY LARGESSE
14 December 2023
Dear Mr. Trump,
Thank you very much indeed for the unexpected holiday gift! How astonished I was to spot an Amazon truck in my drive, and even more so when the delivery person brought to my door a pear tree. "Oh," I exclaimed, "I can't wait to welcome the partridge." I should have known that you, Mr. Ex-President, would do the unexpected whether in office or out. I opened the door and what to my wondering eyes should appear but: a Raven in a Pear Tree!
It would be slightly untruthful of me to say, "Just what I've always wanted." Nevertheless, now that I have this one I am sure to be the envy of my neighbours and perhaps even the talk of Beverly Hills. I can't wait to show him off!
Does the raven speak? Of course I caught the allusion immediately...you sly puss, you knew I would expect him to say "Nevermore!" He didn't, and I am glad. That word would surely be unfortunate given your new campaign. I do, however, share your abiding interest in Poe. Do you have a favourite one of his stories? I take for granted that "The Raven" is the poem you read again and again and again.
Oh, I thank you repeatedly for such a magnificent, unique, and thoughtful gift.
With warmest wishes for the holidays to you and to our gracious and charming ex-First Lady wherever she may be,
Corsicana Micklejohn
15 December 2023
My dear Mr. Trump,
Again you have delighted me beyond measure! Two maps of Greenland, that icy waste for which Denmark really should have accepted your generous offer a few years back. Just imagine, if it were the fifty-first American state: seal meat in every pot, and once it was fully developed as a landscape of mines, plastic dumps, and oil derricks we might all pay less than twenty cents a gallon at the pump. A different scenario than today, don't you agree? Is it true you offered them Puerto Rico in exchange? Had you asked me at the time, I would have suggested that you purchase the Maldives before they sink. (Do forgive my poor attempt at humour.)
I have framed both lovely maps -- autographed by you, no less! One hangs proudly in the laundry room, the other above my bidet. This latter location I chose especially because of our first, and thus far only, meeting. Do you recall? I was waiting near the restaurant entrance for my automobile to be fetched when you surprised me. I am indeed glad I was there to catch you when you stumbled; otherwise you might have sustained fatal injuries. When you first grabbed my p----, I thought you were being fresh. Only moments later did I realize that you would never intentionally greet a lady so unceremoniously. The innocence of that encounter notwithstanding, I did rush home to freshen up.
I only regret that I was unable to accept the invitation to your suite for later that evening, but you see I was on my way to choir practice at the Wee Kirk o' the Heather in Forest Lawn. Had I known then your interest in all things Scottish, particularly golf, I would have invited you to join me for an evening of Celtic hymn-singing. Having read of your devotion to Bible-holding and to fundamentalist Christianity, especially, as Our Lord is thought to have commanded, the acquisition of riches, I believe you would have received a blessing at the Wee Kirk. Let us make a pledge: Next year in Forest Lawn!
Yours in sisterly affection,
Corsicana Micklejohn
16 December 2023
Dear Mr. Trump,
How enchanting to have three subpoenas that you so wisely ignored. Your pursuers obviously have nothing better to do than to attempt punishment for one or two trivial mistakes. Show me an untainted Ex-President and I'll show you Jimmy Carter!
My neighbourhood frame shop is overwhelmed with holiday orders, but I look forward to hanging these historic documents near the Greenland maps. Would you mind terribly if I brightened my attic with one of the subpoenas? I assure you it will be equally cherished with that one in the laundry and the other in the...well, you will recall without elaboration.
With bright thoughts to you in a dark season,
Corsicana Micklejohn
17 December 2023
Dear Mr. Ex-President:
How did you guess that I would like a free membership in Truth Social and three others for friends, making a grand total of four? Although I have few Republican friends or acquaintances, I will endeavour not to let the surplus memberships languish. Although Beverly Hills, where I live, is reputedly far to the left of most districts in this country, I rush to assure you that this neighbourhood, like all of Los Angeles, is liberal only in comparison with such places as Utah and South Carolina.
You must have guessed that I have not previously indulged in social media. Now I must. I am frightfully eager to explore cyber space, and finally to learn the Truth as only you can tell it. Incidentally, how does one become a MAGA influencer?
I am sending you by post a photograph of the crèche on my front lawn. Notice my dear raven keeping watch atop the manger, and the bright star that appears to hover slightly to the right of Pomona.
Christmas cheer,
Corsicana Micklejohn
18 December 2023
Dear Mr. Ex-President:
Additional thanks are no doubt owing to you for this latest holiday gift, although words fail me at the moment. I would greatly appreciate your sending suggestions for the employment of my five election deniers. I'm sure they mean well, but they never stop clamouring about November 2020, and added to their cacaphony are raucous re-enactments of January 6, 2021. My cook and I seem unable to please them at table, and I must tell you that sleeping arrangements verge on the chaotic.
All the same, it was good of you to remember me once more at this time of year when it is more blessed to give than to receive. Or so it once was thought...
As ever,
Ms. Corsicana Micklejohn
19 December 2023
Dear Donald Trump:
Whatever shall I do with six classified documents marked TOP SECRET? I first thought to frame them as I have done with your previous gifts of paper, but my attorney advised of possible investigations by the Department of Justice and even a very real risk of indictment. Should such an eventuality come true, who would care for my raven, and who would host the five election deniers?
I am in a bit of a quandary, as I have no one to turn to for aid and succour. I rang up the Duke and Duchess of Sussex only to learn that they have not a moment to spare from the hustings as they attempt to bring down the British Monarchy, as you once attempted to subvert the American Constitution.
Speaking of the hustings -- how is your own campaign? I beg forgiveness for not enquiring earlier but I have been extremely stressed by finding in my home detailed plans for the obliteration of North Korea and also handwritten notes in Russian, a language not offered chez Madame Subilia, headmistress of my finishing school in Lausanne.
With regards,
Ms. Micklejohn
20 December 2023
To Donald Trump:
Seven thousand blank diplomas from Trump University? No thank you. I have quite run out of space, what with a raven who will not stop calling out "MAGA Christmas!" at inopportune moments, fading maps of frozen tundra, unanswered subpoenas about which former Congresswoman Liz Cheney of Wyoming has excoriated me in her book, four useless memberships in a cockamamie online group, five extremely obnoxious and unwelcome election deniers, six classified documents that might well attract an ICBM from Moscow or Pyongyang to Beverly Hills, and now 7,000 diplomas from blokes who invested their life savings in a failed "educational" scheme. Why didn't you bury these with your first wife?
Please resist the temptation to send further "free gifts." Each one so far has caused me great expense and greater emotional distress.
C. Micklejohn
21 December 2023
Mr. Trump:
Eight empty apartments "in need of minor repairs" in Trump Tower are eight too many for me. You did not have the decency to offer even one of the eight with wood burning fireplace and river view. Why would I leave Beverly Hills for New York when not one apartment in your eponymous Tower is rent controlled? I shudder to imagine the monthly maintenance on one of these white elephants, let alone eight. I have burned the leases and I demand that you cease harassing me with useless "gifts."
C. Micklejohn and
Augustus Weimar, of Counsel
Smallweed, Hackenbush, Rushmore, and Lockenstein
22 December 2023
Attn: Donald Trump
Nine expired pardons! LMAO. I have spread them on the floor to catch the raven's droppings. I equate your unstoppable offerings with said effluents.
If you continue to oppress me with hideous souvenirs, I shall seek the aid of the American judicial system, which, as you seem unaware, flourishes under the protection of the Constitution of the United States of America.
C.M.
23 December 2023
To the Disgraced Ex-President:
You should fill your pockets with these ten bricks from the unbuilt border wall and walk into the sea. Why are you tormenting me? I am no Stormy Daniels, nor am I one of those rumoured Russian ladies who visited your hotel suite in Moscow at the behest of President Putin. If you truly wish to please me during this holiday season, send me that video tape.
[Unsigned]
24 December 2023
Eleven carolers on my lawn, made up of your fanatical supporters, is intolerable and they have been forcibly removed. The melody, unfortunately, lingers on; how could it not, when your songbirds were Marjorie Taylor Greene, Steve Bannon, Ted Cruz, Mehmet Oz, Mike Johnson, Herschel Walker, Ginni Thomas, Robert Jeffress, Kari Lake, Rudy Giuliani, and Lauren Boebert.
Fuck you!
25 December 2023
Donald Trump
Mar-a-Lago, Florida
Dear Mr. Trump:
On behalf of my client, Ms. Corsicana Micklejohn, I wish to advise that twelve tweeters tweeting have severely damaged my client's property and have so threatened her health that she has retired to a convalescent facility far from Beverly Hills. There she will spend Christmas and the early days of 2024 in seclusion. Doctors hope for a complete recovery, although her condition at this point is so precarious that no firm assurance is put forth.
The enclosed document, issued by Judge Windham Goforth of Los Angeles, enjoins you from further contact with my client, whether in person, by letter, by email, and by any means of communication now extant or to be invented in future whether on Earth or on Earth's moon.
It will perhaps interest you to learn that the pear tree sent to my client by you on 14 December of this year was found to be diseased and has been composted, along with the one sickly pear that drooped from its topmost branch.
The raven is en route to the national office of the Democratic Party, whose campaign officials plan to employ it in the 2024 presidential campaign. In the first of several advertisements for the Democratic candidate, the raven squats on a photographic likeness of your face and squawks the word "Nevermore."
Yours very truly,
Augustus Weimar, of Counsel
Smallweed, Hackenbush, Rushmore, and Lockenstein
QUOTH the Raven, MAGA CHRISTMAS!
Madame Sibilia? Methinks I know from whence that moniker arose. Was that not the headmistress of Mom (and Zsa Zsa's) finishing school?
A funny article.